Notes from an encounter

28/05/08

somewhere between her spite and my superstitions the words stopped flowing from my fingertips. they course through my veins, filling every part of me with an undeniable urge to write. but i can't.

1. his hands shake. I take them into my own and continue watching the movie. i know these hands, i've held them for so long that it's no longer a conscious action to hold them. sometime later i'm not sure when exactly i find his arm around me, i lay my head on his shoulder. we're accustomed to each other. his fingers are definitely numb but i'm almost asleep so he remains unmoving. i know i don't have much time left with him and it breaks my heart. so i ignore the inevitable for now and enjoy the moments we have left.

2. I'm brushing her hair, she wants it braided this morning. i try to keep them neat but her patience (if she ever had any) is running out. i can't even pretend to be mad though, i don't think i ever had any either. there's silence between us for once, i wonder why. looking up i see her frowning at her reflection, i give her a nudge.

'why am i darker than you?' it's not curiosity in her voice that i hear though, it's annoyance.

'because you were born at night'

she seems satisfied.

3. it begins based on mutual infatuation, grows into love, & remains with trust.

4. she stretches out infront of me tanning herself (& she calls me the cat). i scatter my cards over her chest and pick off the ones that land face up. temperance. 2 of cups. death. i tell her she's starting a new phase, she's going to meet someone, she'll connect with him immediately, they'll be inseparable. 18 months later and i wish i was wrong.

5. i can feel his eyes on me. i gave him a polite smile as i entered didn't i? he's circling and i notice i'm the only customer. running my finger over the spine of David Copperfield i sense him behind me. he's leaning on a shelf,

'do you like Dickens?' he sounds excited.

i can hear him breathing. i imagine him hacking me to pieces and withdraw my hand.

'uh yeah'

when did i get so fucking paranoid? the answer comes quicker than i'd have liked.